I woke up this morning thinking about my maternal grandmother. She was a first-born, first generation Portugese-American. She wasn’t quite five feet tall, and she wasn’t quite 4 feet wide. She was tough, in the don’t-mess-with-me category.
I remember taking a trip to vist her when I was 18. I went all by myself; I don’t know who recommended that idea. But I took the greyhound bus. I agreed to go because I wanted something and I was searching for what it was; sortof like going into the kitchen and looking for something to eat because you’re hungry… but nothing sounds good. My life was pretty messed up at the time; I’d run away from home, was living a somewhat wild life, smoking, drinking, and having no idea what I was on this earth for. I had no map to my future and I didn’t know who to blame for it.
While I was visiting, Grandma tried to help me. She knew the situation; she talked with my mother at least once that I know of while I was there. It was a short visit, only a couple of days. We watched game shows and crocheted. I napped. We went to bingo. Grandma showed me off to all her friends in the retirement complex. For her sake, I pretended to them like I was grounded, like I knew where I was going in life and this was all part of the plan. It was ironic.
I know that Grandma tried to give me good advice. Sleep regularly. Drop the smoking. Don’t drink so much. Eat right. Go to church. At the time, I just thought it was ‘blah-blah-blah and I’d tried that route, but look where it got me’. She didn’t push and she didn’t yell, but I know she was frustrated by my refusal to receive what she was saying.
It wasn’t much later (a few months) that I got kicked out of my apartment by my roommates. They called my parents ahead of time and made arrangements for me to move back home, then they sat me down and told me to go home and grow up. Thanks, guys. At the time, I said that sarcastically. But now I say it genuinely.
So back home. Back to square one. Start all over again. It felt like “go directly to jail, do not pass go”. I dropped the smoking and the drinking and I got a job. I had to, my parents set down those rules. I had nowhere else to go and no real plan. So I did what they said.
A few weeks later I met Allen. Some thing started clearing up real fast, and I started making some real strides into figuring out where I wanted to go in life. Funny, but I started living my grandmother’s advice, voluntarily. I wonder if she knew.
It’s nearly 25 years later, now. And peeling back the layers of life, I’m still that 18-year-old girl inside. Well, maybe a little more mature than that; but perhaps not much. I still follow my grandmother’s advice, willingly. But that’s because I’ve learned from experience that life just works better that way.
The trouble right now is that my map is changing. And that slightly rebellious teen in me is frustrated with the changes, and not wanting to get a new map and adjust to the circumstances. I want to react, not be proactive. *sigh* Some things never change?
For the last 25 years, my map has been to be a full-time wife and mother. And with a slice of entrepreneurial creativity on the side. It’s served me well. And even though there have been really rocky places, I’ve had that map to follow. But now… well, the nest is starting to empty and my husband is minus a career. I’ve had to go back into the full-time work force for the first time in that 25 years. I’ve had to change my plan of being a full-time artist. My map is changing. Has to change. Must change. But I don’t want it to, not really. So while on the surface I’m compliant and rolling with the waves, on the way deep inside I’m sitting on the floor in the hold of the ship with my arms tightly folded and shaking my head back and forth, “no-no-no-no”.
Well, the problem with that is…. it’s my problem. It’s me that’s the problem, not the circumstances. I actually didn’t know all this was going on, you know? But that’s because I’d only put a bandaid on the problem by only complying with the changes externally. I hadn’t started dealing with the problem internally yet.
My problem is how I view life, my perspective, the lens through which I see relationships and responsibilities. I think a part of me is still trying to look at life through the telescope of being 18 and wanting someone to fix it for me. I’m beginning to realize that, and to see how wrong it is, how backwards it is. It makes me wish my grandmother was still alive, to tell me how she coped with her children moving away and her life changing when Grandpa retired. I don’t know if her map would work for me, but it would have been nice to get to see life through her lens one more time.
So, all this being said, I’m working on trying to create a new map, and change from the inside out. There are already foundations, it’s not like I’m leaving my husband or quitting my job. All the good things about life are on the new map and I’m still following Grandma’s advice. But there are some things I know I need to work on, some new habits that need to replace old ones. Stephen Covey’s book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” is helping. I’m seeing some things about myself and my perspective that makes me realize I have alot to learn. There is a key there, though. It takes the desire to change, a willingness to forge a new map and let go of the old one and it’s comfortable predictability. I guess I’m ready. (Well, are we ever truly ready for something new? Funny. My experience has been that we think we are ready. But we really aren’t. I guess that’s okay though, because the willingness counts for alot.)
I’ve got to go get ready for work, but I just wanted to invite comments. Is anyone else experiencing the same kind of thing? Has anyone else read Covey’s book or books, or experienced any of his corporate seminars? Is anyone on that road to forging a new map? Well, feel free to let me know.
I firmly believe that life is a journey and that you have to go through some crap to get to all the good stuff.LOL
Things will pick up and when you least expect it, life will turn around. I wish you all the best and know you will get to the “place” you want to be.
Send me an e-mail when you get a chance, I want to talk to you about something.
Yes, I understand what you are saying. I am a strong believer in Covey’s books, have attended his seminars and even met him. My daughter read Covey’s son’s book for teenagers. It really helped her.
I was kicked out of my home at 19. My father was an alcoholic and we tried an intervention. I took the brunt of it. I also married early to a wonderful man. But my map had to change about 10 years ago when it just wasn’t going the way I felt it should.
I am the breadwinner. I am good at what I do, but it isn’t really what I want to be when I grow up. Covey’s principals really work. I even give copies of his books to my friends and staff. As you read them, you will find that they are really common sense but not a self-help book.
If you want, feel free to email me and I will send you my phone number or we can chat via yahoo.
We met last year when I purchased Julian, whom I still show off to others. My plan is to let my creative side free again. You and other polymer clay artists have helped me with that. I feel truly happy for the first time in years and it has really lightened my responsiblities. This community of clayers is fabulous and even though I haven’t met most of them face to face, I feel I am slowing making friends. I started the SE WI Guild, which we are now calling Milwaukee Metro PC Guild. We have had three meetings so far.
Life changes. We grow. We change and life continues.
Beth
I’m really moved by your post. I think u’r lucky to have lived your “crazy” teenage period; and I mean u’r lucky as a mother now, you can understand and feel better ur children. I was a dry and “do as we tell you” type and it’s hard for me to get into my children’s head and soul (but I’m trying). As the smart ones say – everything is happening with a certain purpose and the experience is the real prize. I wish you lots of luck with ur new map, it’s new, not worse.
Tania
PS. You’re one of my fav clayers, so please put one more fan on ur new map
oh CAT!!!! Here is a hug for ya!! (((((Cat))))))
Life is not a bed of roses, and change, “a new map”, is always around the corner.
Sometimes the old map is yanked from us and we are never given a chance to “map” things our for ourselves. Loosing my dad so suddenly has been a hard road for me. We just got reacquainted with one another 5(+) years ago, so all of this was so new to me, and then BOOM, he’s gone. Each day I am ever grateful that I allowed him in my life again, that my children have a memory of their Papaw Jack. What if’s can be haunting……..
(((sigh))) I guess it’s all about perspective…. if I focus on what I had, then I can move forward knowing what I do want and slowly making the changes that need to be made. Time heals, time builds….. God always puts us where we need to be at that particular time… we may not see it fully, but looking back we will see and understand.
Know that I am praying for you and wishing you a wonderful new Map full of creative outlets – you are one talented lady…. (they always say that stepping back and taking a break refreshes the soul and allows us to see things from a new perspective… once it’s mapped out, you will see, that this is where you needed to be!!)
HUGS!
Hi Cat, my thoughts and prayers are with you, as always. Yes, I do know what you’re going through. I’ve been part way there. All I EVER wanted to be in my life was a MOM and a housewife, even as a small child. I remember (I’ll shorten this to a bare minimum), after my son joined the Marine Corps and we moved my daughter to Mississippi to join her AirForce husband, as we were driving away I started to silently weep. Verle asked me what was wrong, I replied, “I feel like I’ve been fired from my very best, favorite job and I don’t know what to do. Who Am I, where do I go from here, what do I do now?” I hadn’t expected to have these feelings, I had expected a feeling of “relief and freedom”. It took me awhile and sometimes I still have difficulty with it, but my life is taking new shape and form, not necesarily where I thought it was going, but I like who I am and this new journey I’m on. Hugs, Sue C
Thank you, everyone for your comments and insights. I thought I’d reply to each of you here in one comment so scroll down for your name.
Ilysa – LOL on the “life is a journey and that you have to go through some crap to get to all the good stuff” comment! Sometimes it sure feels like that, doesn’t it.
Beth – yes, I do remember you, and I’ve been thinking about how sometimes a “chance meeting” turns into something more. I’ll be sending you an email soon.
Tania – I see your point about being able to relate to my kids because of my own rebellious years. It does help a little bit, though it seems like alot of what they go through is less painful than what I went through. Like Beth, I had an alcoholic dad and an emotionally difficult family life, and my kids don’t have to deal with that stress so they seem to act out less. Kinda wierd but cool. So on another note, thanks for being a “fan” — it feels wierd to have fans but I’m a fan of others so that makes it easier.
Tina – thanks for the hugs, you’re always such a big support for people. I’m glad you had a few years with your dad to be able to draw from the strength of those memories! Hugs right back atcha.
Sue – your comment really resonated with me. “Who am I, where do I go from here, what do I do now” is exactly where I’m at. Thanks for putting words to those feelings!
Cat, I feel like I’m a few steps behind you on the same road. I had a similar outlook around the time I got out of high school. For me the change of perspective came when my oldest daughter was born. I have done home daycare on and off, but have basically been a stay-at-home mom for the past 14 years. I quit doing daycare 2 years ago, and have slowly worked my way up to full-time self employment doing canes and beads. For me the problem is getting serious about getting professional about all of this. There are so many things I know I should do, like legalize my business (whatever that means), write magazine articles to increase my name recognition, and maybe even make the instructional video that about a hundred people have asked me to do. I don’t even know where to begin, or whether it would even be worth it. I will say that, upon your suggestion, I am finally setting up a little website, ikandiclay.com, so thanks for the nudge! I guess a lot of it stems from a fear of failure, and also just from the fact that I’m about as computer-literate as a 3-toed sloth. I can really relate to your comment about looking at life as though you were still 18, wanting someone to fix everything for you. Anyway, it was very interesting to hear your feelings on where you’re at right now. I’ve got a ways to go before I have an empty nest, but it is likely that I’ll end up having to get a “real” job eventually. Yikes!!! I’d love to hear updates on how things are going. Hope you never stop claying! –ivy
Oh can I relate with what you said in your comments…My life didn’t turn out like I planned. My husband became disabled at 40 and I was only 38 and we had so many plans…now 9 years later and life is still a challange but it is one day at a time. I have had to stay home and take care of him as he does not drive due to medical negligience and lives in chronic pain 24/7…I had to learn to let go and go on but everyday is a challange and today I was really struggling and couldn’t get motivated very much than I came upon your blog and I am glad I read it today..hang in there and remember to just take One day at a time and worry doesn’t do any good! I learned the hard way! hugs, cheryl
Hi Ivy and Cheryl,
Funny how we all seem to go through this phase of having to reset our expectations about life. One thing resonates through what everyone has said: just keep on plugging away at it and things do work out. Persistence is a virtue. Not giving up and letting life slide by, but tightening up the shoestrings and facing into the wind.
Thank you, both of you, for sharing part of your life story with me! It’s very encouraging!
Hugs,
Cat
Cat,
I have read this particular blog of yours over and over. I have never commented on a blog, but this one just touched my heart somehow. I had my dream house, and the best little “Tiny Toy” poodle on earth, wonderful husband, 3 gorgeous daughters, everything. Then in October 2005, my house burned to the ground. Nobody hurt, but my “baby,” Bella, died in the fire. My life pretty much stopped for a while. I didn’t know who I was half the time. Now, I have a new house, but I lost so much of myself in the last one that I don’t know how to decorate. I just put the first nail holes in the perfect walls a few weeks ago. I don’t know what my taste is. So, you see, even though someone’s situation may be very different from your own, they can still feel the way you feel. Oh, to add insult to injury, my 19 year old daughter decided to quit college (she maintained a 4.0 while going full time, also working 2 part time jobs) and she moved out a few weeks ago to live with her boyfriend of 2 months…. Yes, Cat, we all have our own. But a support system and sharing stories always seems to help. Sometimes all you need is to see something from a different angle… Take care of yourself and know that someone in Oklahoma is thinking of you and hoping you find your new map is getting easier.
Donna
Thank you for sharing your story, Donna. I really appreciate it. It’s a continual surprise how many people have found this particular post helpful, or maybe just pushed a similar button. Thanks again… Cat